Okay. I've felt like lately my words have been yelling at me from the inside. While normally I would wish it were words toward my novel (I am currently in the process of writing a trilogy), lately what I've been saying has been receiving many compliments.
So, in lieu of this insight as of late... This post will be a self-structured one. I decided to go off the relationship with others topic and work on relationship with self.
I hope that most of you reading this blog know the movie (the one the title is named after). There are plenty of versions of King Arthur, but this one is one of my favorites.
Something sparked my mind today on the fact that we all have come to our own unique "hard place." Some of you are still in it. We are all placed in a troubled present so that one day our future may grow from it. Some of you have already found your progressive future. There are so many though, who do not get a better future because they are often repeating their non-progressive behaviors. But there are a few... just a few, who are lucky enough to meet their "sword in the stone."
What is it that led them there?
Well, what led Arthur to it?
A cooky ol' wizard you say?
Well, what if I told you that every single person is an "Arthur in the making?"
During the movie, Merlin told "Wart" that he was meant for great things. Wart kept arguing with Merlin. "I'm not..." was often used in his sentences. He followed Merlin but even after he was crowned a king, he was afraid of what that kind of responsibility would bring him. Wart was truly afraid of his destiny.
Often times, LIFE (AKA Merlin) will bring us to our destiny and we are too afraid to pull it out of the stone because of our fear of the responsibility. We tell ourselves, "I'm not..." to argue our way out of it. Instead of "fight" we turn into "flight" mode.
The few who meet their sword are the ones who are ready to pull it out of the stone. In reality, we are all given a destiny... but we must be willing to accept and assert ourselves into it before we can ever benefit from it.
Free yourselves from the fear of the responsibility and gain a strength in knowing that your sword is awaiting you.
I hope you liked my tid bit for the day!
Have a good night!
Kristi
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Did You Pick a "Jacob?"
Alright everyone,
It's been awhile since I've done a post but I have found that a lot of people lately are dealing with a very similar situation. Each are obviously different scenarios but each have their main issue- They think they have picked their Jacob instead of their Edward.
Now, if you are a Twilight fan then you know what I'm already referring to. If not, here's the short version:
Choices:
Jacob: All around nice guy. Protective. She doesn't have to change for him. Challenges her to be the stronger version of herself. Allows her to be herself, as is. The "Safe" bet. The guy who only triggers her flutter button (you know, that butterfly effect in your stomach... stay PG folks!) during times when she NEEDS him. He often turns into a best friend status quickly and usually never leaves it.
Edward: Dangerous. Possessive. Passionate. Not really all that healthy for her but in the strangest of ways... they are perfect compliments of each other. He drives her to grow and become the person who she's meant to be. He will test her because he's not all that emotionally stable at the beginning. In reality, she is the stronger half (emotionally and mentally). He tries to tell her what to do more than once and she will fight him on it every step of the way. He doesn't abuse her verbally or physically but he has a tendency to make her cry a couple times. They often become addicted to each other and usually feel that without the other, they will not survive.
In The End:
(Spoilers maybe?) She ends up choosing Edward. Is this the right choice? Maybe for the book... But in reality... In the grand scheme of how men actually work... is Edward the right choice?
The Point:
The point to this post is that a few women I know are stuck with a Jacob and they can't seem to take their minds off a potential Edward. I say potential because in reality, women just want to be swept up off their feet. They want to feel the the flutter... Jacob, who remains the friend... just doesn't seem to trigger that flutter nearly as much as time goes. And for many women who haven't found their "Edward" yet, they come across a few potentials who put them through the ringer. They indulge in the need and the weakness and the vulnerability. They get stuck in the "not being emotionally stable" part and often times that potential never leaves that state.. So, the girl is stuck with a broken heart, a lost Jacob and a need again for the flutter.
What To Do:
If you think your man isn't triggering the flutter... you either need to help him along by triggering his or telling him some of the things you like. Help him get to know you again. If he doesn't want to try and he really is pushing you away... there are only three possible reasons why.
1. He gave up a long time ago trying to be your Edward because he happens to be a lot smarter than you took him for and realized you wanted more and he wasn't cutting it. "So why bother?" comes to his mind.
2. He is completely blind to everything and is resentful himself. So you both are in the same boat...wishing the other would fulfill the flutter. Or...
3. He isn't in love with you. And maybe it's time to come to terms that you aren't in love with him. Do not invest in a man who wants to give you his all if you are going to be looking for "all" in someone else one day.
Love is selfless... it's accepting everything about that person on the off days. It's allowing them to be themselves and appreciating them for it. It's being unconditional. It's being willing to compromise on things that you can't always control....
No matter what type of love you are looking for, just know that your heart is precious. Passion isn't always forever like a book. It's nice to think about and it's certainly nice to runaway in but not every day you are going to be smiles and giggles. Not every day are you going to be the best of friends either. The ultimate choice is being with someone who fits you perfectly (it doesn't matter if he is a Jacob, an Edward, or a Bob for that matter). Just remember, if you are always looking for a flaw... you will always find one.
You never know.. your man could be the perfect combo of the two and you just needed to let your all be his. :)
Monday, September 3, 2012
Want and Compromise
This goes out to all of the folks out there who need to be reminded that every choice has a consequence- just like every cause has an effect.
We have all been set up to want more for ourselves. Some people prefer a simple life but the simple life doesn't mean it's without want. Humans WANT! That's just part of it. It's okay to want. But one thing you must remember is that what you want will always have to come with a compromise. And are you willing to lose in order to gain?
Here are three examples of want and compromise:
TRAVELING SOLDIER- MORE...
1. There are people who have a traveling heart. They can't seem to stay in one place for too long. This can be taken physically, or figuratively. Often times, it's because they just can't seem to find a place to call "home." Their golden ticket MUST be just around the corner.
A man, we will call Hank, grew up with a few odds and ends. He was never extremely spoiled but he definitely got a better life than some. He has a good mama who loved him unconditionally and would give her son more than he probably deserved at times. One day, Hank was finally a man and went off to see the world. He joined the military and set out to be "somebody." He had it in his mind that he wasn't already "somebody." So, while he was in the military, he met a woman. She was hard headed and loving and stubborn but she would do just about anything for Hank. Then one day, Hank left the military and married that woman, and took another job. That job required lots of traveling and lots of compromise. But in the mix of all that compromise, there was a lot of want. Want that not even Hank's wife could fulfill. That man would get a lot of money for his traveling job and he had a lot of stuff... But no matter how hard Hank's wife tried, she never felt like she was "enough" because what Hank wanted was always MORE. He would tell people he never had that stuff when he was a kid and so that was why he deserved it. Hank's wife finally decided that compromising for Hank's wants just wasn't what SHE deserved. Yet..even to this day, even though Hank has a good heart and gave to many... Hank still wants MORE.
MY WAY....
2. Unfortunately, a lot of people set out for a plan for their future and they follow it so completely to the T that they don't even realize what they had to give up in order to get it. Here's Julie's story-
Julie was a small town girl. She grew up in a home where being "invisible" was the safest bet. She never had much growing up, other than what she needed. And even then... it was slim. One day, Julie met a boy who seemed like he was goin' places! Oh she was in heaven with this boy. No matter how much he did wrong by her, she felt like he was her ticket to a better life. Julie married that boy fresh out of high school and they moved far away from that small town. Now, as she started to get a taste of "better," her want pile started to add up. No matter how big her house was, how nice her clothes were, how many shoes she owned or how many dollar signs she found... she wasn't satisfied. She demanded her life to be a certain way, every day. She started to expect a specific "better" life that her love life took a nasty turn. Julie learned what kind of wrongs her husband had done by her and she tried to ignore it. But one day, Julie decided to leave that man and she returned to that small town. But since then, she's had to rebuild her "better" life. Although Julie had a plan for her future, it didn't work out the way she wanted. But as life throws you lemons, Julie learned how to make lemonade. While she still struggles with her "my way" mentality and she still has a very large want pile... She has learned how to appreciate the effort and work it takes to EARN a better life without expectations. Julie gave up dignity and self-respect in order to have what she wanted but in the end, life teaches you that your set plans.. that "your way"... just doesn't happen like you expect it to.
I LOVE LOVE....
3. Sometimes a person's biggest want is just to be loved. They go after affection and attention like an addiction. But what do they compromise when they chase after this kind of want?
Gemma is a woman with gumption! She was raised in a broken home but she grew up spirited, protective and straight forward. She also grew up with feelings of abandonment and neglect. Gemma took on bad habits and brought herself around people who took advantage of her. All she wanted was to be loved. To truly be loved... She wanted someone she can trust completely. A soul mate. It's been said by some that when you give up your virtue to too many people, each one of them takes a piece of your soul. Well, as Gemma gains experience in the relationship department she meets a man who makes her truly believe she is everything he ever wanted. She would follow him anywhere. That man one day gives her reason to doubt and that doubt turned into reality. Gemma was broken inside. She had given herself up completely to a man she thought was her soul mate. The person she had been looking for all along. So when another man came along. One who wanted to heal her in every way, wanted to be the manly man she needed (because she was still a stubborn, straight forward woman) she was cold and distant. She cried a lot. This man tried everything to break her wall down so he could prove to her that he was worth loving... but she wouldn't have it. She decided she would live for herself only and never trust that someone will stick around. She sabotaged her future with this man in order to say "I was right" and to give herself more reason to believe that real love.. just doesn't exist. Fortunately for Gemma, that man stuck around and loved her so incredibly deep that while Gemma had to get her own reality checks and to heal herself of her previous wounds... He waited. He wasn't a peach, mind you... he messed up pretty badly too but he also knew that Gemma... was too special to give up on. Gemma had to compromise herself in order to get what she wanted... Eventually.. what she wanted... found her while she learned to find herself.
The goal of this blog post was to teach people that we have to be careful how badly we want things. Sometimes, just giving up a little control over what you want is a good thing. Because we can all have something to strive for.. but it will come when you are ready- not always when you expect it. And even once you get it... are you willing to compromise what you already had?
Life is a learning experience- ALWAYS... take the good with the bad but be willing to appreciate the good along with it.. otherwise you will always be compromising.
Have a good day ya'll!!
<3 kristi="kristi" p="p">
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Tips for Men
Okay guys, it's your turn to get a few good tips. Trust me.. these are good ones and you will want to pay attention. Go get you a notebook...
1. Women will not tell you how bad her feet and back hurt unless she can't move.
2. Women do not like making the decision on restaurants but you should, by now, know what foods she doesn't like. (i.e. I personally don't care for any Asian food... and when we go out for dinner it better not be drive through).
3. Women LOVE a man who can change the oil in her car... and even MORE when he does it without asking. That means he's paying attention and he's taking good care of his lady.
4. Appreciation.. THIS can be used once a week and in small doses (this is for the guy who has a very hard time showing it.. honestly, any and all appreciation is accepted with loving arms) and she will be a very happy woman.
5. If you know your lady has been slaving away all day at other things... DO NOT ask her "what's for dinner"... Cook it yourself if you don't already see her in the kitchen.
6. Laundry... PICK IT UP AND PUT IT IN THE HAMPER!
7.Toilet paper-----IT goes on a roll or the canister.. it does NOT go on the back of the toilet seat, the sink nor the floor. And please.. if you used the last one.. REPLACE IT.
8. A man who is confident but not arrogant is the most attractive. If you think controlling her by your manipulative ways is going to last forever. you have another thing coming.
9. If she is crying and you don't know why... just hold her. Don't ask her why.. don't bother her with words because she can't speak them properly at the moment. Believe me.. she will talk when she's ready. (Women usually don't have a problem letting you know how she feels..
10. If you come home guilty of something, she will figure it out and women are really good detectives when their gut is telling them something. Don't take that for granted.
11. If you want to attract her, get to KNOW her... find out what attracts her.. Take care of yourself. Get baths in, brush your teeth, shave in a way that is both comfortable but at least sharp looking. Don't walk around like a slob or scrub.. you know better than that. If you already do these things (good for you but remember number 8) then start working on what SHE likes to do.. be nice to her verbally.
12. Quit looking for a problem and start looking for the solution.
13. Don't get mad at her when you are trying to teach her something or you asked her to do something.. if she didn't do it properly... either show her calmly the best way or don't even tell her you didn't like how she did it because eventually she will stop coming to you for any help.
14. Be her emotional rock once in awhile. She considers you her rock on so many other things that when the world is weighing her down, she needs you to bring her back up.
15. Just be a man. Don't expect from her if you personally aren't willing to compromise. You grew up in a world where you compromised, being with a woman is no different. So get over it, suck it up and start working hard at being the best version of you. If you think it's not worth it.. then how do you expect her to?
Those are my tid bits for the day.
Good luck men!
<3 kristi="kristi" p="p">
1. Women will not tell you how bad her feet and back hurt unless she can't move.
2. Women do not like making the decision on restaurants but you should, by now, know what foods she doesn't like. (i.e. I personally don't care for any Asian food... and when we go out for dinner it better not be drive through).
3. Women LOVE a man who can change the oil in her car... and even MORE when he does it without asking. That means he's paying attention and he's taking good care of his lady.
4. Appreciation.. THIS can be used once a week and in small doses (this is for the guy who has a very hard time showing it.. honestly, any and all appreciation is accepted with loving arms) and she will be a very happy woman.
5. If you know your lady has been slaving away all day at other things... DO NOT ask her "what's for dinner"... Cook it yourself if you don't already see her in the kitchen.
6. Laundry... PICK IT UP AND PUT IT IN THE HAMPER!
7.Toilet paper-----IT goes on a roll or the canister.. it does NOT go on the back of the toilet seat, the sink nor the floor. And please.. if you used the last one.. REPLACE IT.
8. A man who is confident but not arrogant is the most attractive. If you think controlling her by your manipulative ways is going to last forever. you have another thing coming.
9. If she is crying and you don't know why... just hold her. Don't ask her why.. don't bother her with words because she can't speak them properly at the moment. Believe me.. she will talk when she's ready. (Women usually don't have a problem letting you know how she feels..
10. If you come home guilty of something, she will figure it out and women are really good detectives when their gut is telling them something. Don't take that for granted.
11. If you want to attract her, get to KNOW her... find out what attracts her.. Take care of yourself. Get baths in, brush your teeth, shave in a way that is both comfortable but at least sharp looking. Don't walk around like a slob or scrub.. you know better than that. If you already do these things (good for you but remember number 8) then start working on what SHE likes to do.. be nice to her verbally.
12. Quit looking for a problem and start looking for the solution.
13. Don't get mad at her when you are trying to teach her something or you asked her to do something.. if she didn't do it properly... either show her calmly the best way or don't even tell her you didn't like how she did it because eventually she will stop coming to you for any help.
14. Be her emotional rock once in awhile. She considers you her rock on so many other things that when the world is weighing her down, she needs you to bring her back up.
15. Just be a man. Don't expect from her if you personally aren't willing to compromise. You grew up in a world where you compromised, being with a woman is no different. So get over it, suck it up and start working hard at being the best version of you. If you think it's not worth it.. then how do you expect her to?
Those are my tid bits for the day.
Good luck men!
<3 kristi="kristi" p="p">
Monday, July 23, 2012
Worthy
It has come to my attention a lot lately that people consider themselves quite unworthy of happiness and blessings. I started to look back at other "worthy" concepts and found a huge disappointment staring back at me. Guess what... WE as individuals have been told this since we were brought up.
Now, what I am about to say.. please do not take it out of context. Also.. I am a believer in Christ and I do love the Lord and will utilize His name in this one. (For you nonbelievers, this is still useful so please hang out)
Now that that's out of the way..
ROOT OF WORTHY-
1. Often times people stop going to church because they don't like being told they don't deserve being loved by God but that He loves them mercifully. Many churches are seen for using the fear tactic to maintain order and tithe... Some churches use the fear tactic to initiate your own personal level of lowliness. To humble you into submission. I frown at this behavior because while I am all for humility, no one should ever be lowered in a way that makes them feel they are not special, or important, or worthy. God did not create us to be proud and arrogant either. But like Ying and Yang, when good is created there is always bad to match it. (Ps. Not all churches are bad. It's the bad ones that made the rep though.) :(
2. This brings me to my other observation. Rebellion. People don't like getting told "no," "you can't," "You don't deserve it," "you aren't worthy," "learn your place in this world," "Let the smart people handle it."- Alright folks.. Some rebellion is for the good as it brings people a reminder that they are capable and good and important. But it can turn ugly quick because now it's anger, and zero tolerance initiating the behavior. This is dangerous and I'm surprised people actually feel that to keep order, people must feel low and unworthy. To keep a relationship under control, they must keep the other person submissive... which in turn can either be a power struggle or an abusive relationship. How is this healthy? But yet, so much of it exists because this is what people are taught.
3. Last root I've observed so far- Many parents get so frustrated with their children not doing what they are supposed to that they revert to a negative "Can't do anything right" motto. It's destructive. Don't do it. If your kid is not respecting you or themselves by acting out, look toward how it might be your instruction and construction. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. If YOU don't like being told you're low... then know that your children also don't. (Now, this is not saying don't discipline. It's necessary to help us grow from children to adults by understanding that if we do bad things we are going to receive consequences).
This is just a few things to think about what triggers our feelings of unworthiness. Once we have found it... try to change the cycle. Don't be a person who tells others they are bad, unworthy or don't deserve to be blessed... Be a person who guides people toward love. In my world, God is love. He's not going to tell you, "I don't have to love you because you are unworthy... But I love you anyway..." No... So don't teach others this concept.
Have a good and blessed night!
<3 Kristi
Now, what I am about to say.. please do not take it out of context. Also.. I am a believer in Christ and I do love the Lord and will utilize His name in this one. (For you nonbelievers, this is still useful so please hang out)
Now that that's out of the way..
ROOT OF WORTHY-
1. Often times people stop going to church because they don't like being told they don't deserve being loved by God but that He loves them mercifully. Many churches are seen for using the fear tactic to maintain order and tithe... Some churches use the fear tactic to initiate your own personal level of lowliness. To humble you into submission. I frown at this behavior because while I am all for humility, no one should ever be lowered in a way that makes them feel they are not special, or important, or worthy. God did not create us to be proud and arrogant either. But like Ying and Yang, when good is created there is always bad to match it. (Ps. Not all churches are bad. It's the bad ones that made the rep though.) :(
2. This brings me to my other observation. Rebellion. People don't like getting told "no," "you can't," "You don't deserve it," "you aren't worthy," "learn your place in this world," "Let the smart people handle it."- Alright folks.. Some rebellion is for the good as it brings people a reminder that they are capable and good and important. But it can turn ugly quick because now it's anger, and zero tolerance initiating the behavior. This is dangerous and I'm surprised people actually feel that to keep order, people must feel low and unworthy. To keep a relationship under control, they must keep the other person submissive... which in turn can either be a power struggle or an abusive relationship. How is this healthy? But yet, so much of it exists because this is what people are taught.
3. Last root I've observed so far- Many parents get so frustrated with their children not doing what they are supposed to that they revert to a negative "Can't do anything right" motto. It's destructive. Don't do it. If your kid is not respecting you or themselves by acting out, look toward how it might be your instruction and construction. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. If YOU don't like being told you're low... then know that your children also don't. (Now, this is not saying don't discipline. It's necessary to help us grow from children to adults by understanding that if we do bad things we are going to receive consequences).
This is just a few things to think about what triggers our feelings of unworthiness. Once we have found it... try to change the cycle. Don't be a person who tells others they are bad, unworthy or don't deserve to be blessed... Be a person who guides people toward love. In my world, God is love. He's not going to tell you, "I don't have to love you because you are unworthy... But I love you anyway..." No... So don't teach others this concept.
Have a good and blessed night!
<3 Kristi
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Every Mile a Memory
"I love him/her... I do... I mean, he's/she's my best friend. I know he's/she's a great person. I just don't know how to be crazy in love with him/her like he/she deserves."
"It's not you, it's me..."
"I'm just not IN LOVE with you."
Why do you think today's society has come to these kinds of phrases more and more? Why do you think we are always searching for something else?
LET'S START FROM THE BEGINNING....
You were either one of two types of children- the kind that got told "I love you" so much that it didn't mean as much as it should, or you didn't get told "I love you" enough so you don't understand its sincerity.
Love is not something we play with. It's an emotion that surpasses our comprehension and yet it thrives within us, needing to be nurtured and developed into a mature state of being. Love is complex and yet it is simple. It has many layers but it does not need it's layers to survive.
NOW- HOW DOES IT MANIFEST...
As we grow up, our lives become more complicated- no.. scratch that... WE become more complicated. We take that love and abuse it for need and selfishness. We reach out to wrong choices to fulfill something that is missing.. we take love for granted and try to manifest it into our own standard... when love is supposed to be free and UN-complicated. We indulge in relationships that are unhealthy for us to find a source of nourishment that, in reality, is far from nourishing. We place others hearts at risk due to our own self-pity, our lack of self-worth, and our own inability to see love for what it really is.... LOVE.
We hold onto old romanticized memories to make us feel like we MUST have had love back then.. This love isn't the same as we used to have. Or... we try to make memories with another person while we hold onto our partner (hoping that one of those relationships will make sense). We are lacking something.. and guess what.. Oftentimes, it's a PERSONAL problem. "But they just aren't as loving as they once were.."- if this is the case, then you need to go back to my previous post "He's No Prince Charming."
HOW DO WE FIX IT...
Reality check people- you have to first love yourself before you can truly and maturely love another human being.
Stop the cycle. LEARN from your mistakes. Say your sorry and mean it. OWN up to your selfishness and learn to find inner peace. Then... go out and make new memories. Make ones with your current partner if that partner really wants your love and truly wants to love you too. (Because guess what, chances are they too are dealing with personal demons)
Grow TOGETHER, not apart... The choice is always yours and love is always a part of you.. it just needs to be nourished.. by a healthy environment, a healthy relationship and a healthy YOU....
This is a post of learning to take one day at a time but not taking each day for granted.
Go out and be great!
<3 kristi="kristi" p="p">
"It's not you, it's me..."
"I'm just not IN LOVE with you."
Why do you think today's society has come to these kinds of phrases more and more? Why do you think we are always searching for something else?
LET'S START FROM THE BEGINNING....
You were either one of two types of children- the kind that got told "I love you" so much that it didn't mean as much as it should, or you didn't get told "I love you" enough so you don't understand its sincerity.
Love is not something we play with. It's an emotion that surpasses our comprehension and yet it thrives within us, needing to be nurtured and developed into a mature state of being. Love is complex and yet it is simple. It has many layers but it does not need it's layers to survive.
NOW- HOW DOES IT MANIFEST...
As we grow up, our lives become more complicated- no.. scratch that... WE become more complicated. We take that love and abuse it for need and selfishness. We reach out to wrong choices to fulfill something that is missing.. we take love for granted and try to manifest it into our own standard... when love is supposed to be free and UN-complicated. We indulge in relationships that are unhealthy for us to find a source of nourishment that, in reality, is far from nourishing. We place others hearts at risk due to our own self-pity, our lack of self-worth, and our own inability to see love for what it really is.... LOVE.
We hold onto old romanticized memories to make us feel like we MUST have had love back then.. This love isn't the same as we used to have. Or... we try to make memories with another person while we hold onto our partner (hoping that one of those relationships will make sense). We are lacking something.. and guess what.. Oftentimes, it's a PERSONAL problem. "But they just aren't as loving as they once were.."- if this is the case, then you need to go back to my previous post "He's No Prince Charming."
HOW DO WE FIX IT...
Reality check people- you have to first love yourself before you can truly and maturely love another human being.
Stop the cycle. LEARN from your mistakes. Say your sorry and mean it. OWN up to your selfishness and learn to find inner peace. Then... go out and make new memories. Make ones with your current partner if that partner really wants your love and truly wants to love you too. (Because guess what, chances are they too are dealing with personal demons)
Grow TOGETHER, not apart... The choice is always yours and love is always a part of you.. it just needs to be nourished.. by a healthy environment, a healthy relationship and a healthy YOU....
This is a post of learning to take one day at a time but not taking each day for granted.
Go out and be great!
<3 kristi="kristi" p="p">
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Manipulation
Good morning ya'll!!!
This one goes out to women especially but can be utilized by all.
We are all guilty of either using it or it being used against us. Even FRIENDS have been known to manipulate us. There seems to be this misconception that to get what you want, you must manipulate your way to it. But here's what you really should be thinking, if you really have to manipulate others to get what you want, is it really that healthy to be chasing?
Now, let's decide on how to stop this cycle in relationships. (Remember, what you choose to do with this information is your decision)
WHAT MANIPULATION LOOKS LIKE:
"No one will love you as much as me."
"Why can't you just be patient, things are going to be different once I..."
"Stop crying, I hate it when you cry."
ANY kind of blackmail.
"Well, if you hadn't of done this, then I wouldn't have..."
"It's not like I do it all the time..."
"Do you really want to go there?"
"Stop kicking a dead horse."
ANY kind of threats.
"I was just so angry at you."
"Do you honestly think you can make it without me?"
There are so many other ways words have manipulated you but these are some of the most commonly heard (on my end from friends with their partners and even my own previous partners) within relationships.
WHAT DOES MANIPULATION MEAN:
Dictionary.com states:
1. To negotiate, control, or influence (something or someone) cleverly, skilfully, or deviously/
2. To falsify for one's own advantage.
Wiki examines a successful psychological manipulation to look like this:
1. Concealing aggressive intentions and behaviors
2. Knowing the psychological vulnerabilities of the victim to determine what tactics are likely to be most effective
3. Having a sufficient level of ruthlessness to have no qualms about causing harm to the victim if necessary.
LEVEL OF MANIPULATION
Now, stated above it seems like manipulation is so extreme that it just isn't happening in your life.
But there are so many levels of manipulation. You know this deep down because you too have done or said something to get what you want. Kids are GREAT at it! But guess what, at some point in a relationship, manipulation becomes more harmful than it does anything else. Because it brings you to a place of "I am not worthy."
Level 1: The "I want a cookie and I must debate you on why I deserve that cookie" stage.
- You know what I am talking about ladies.. And if you don't have a grin on your face, you should be now. This is the "awe" stage because you respect their willingness to debate with you, to talk their way into actually deserving that cookie. But remember, if they master this stage, and you give in every time.. watch out for Level 2.
Level 2: "I am the only cookie you can find, so suck it up."
Oh yes. This is a destructive and confusing level. You are at a vulnerable stage if you have hit this level because now they are taking your options away (mentally). If you don't break them of this manipulation by either walking away or standing your ground, you are in for a long and emotional haul.
Level 3: "I am the only cookie you deserve."
Wow. There is so much I can say about this level but it fires me up in a very negative way so I will keep it short and simple. This is the stage where your vulnerability has broken and you are no longer looking for something more or feel like you deserve something more. This is the stage where you are being abused (I don't know how you might be receiving that abuse- i.e. verbal or physical, but get out.. This is not healthy and you are WAY stronger than that. Because guess what... You're strong enough to handle this kind of abuse, you are strong enough to walk away from it.
STOPPING THE CYCLE
1. Approach your feelings. Respect them. They are telling you something and you need to listen. If you have met Level 1 and you are feeling a little discouraged... this is a good time to talk with your partner and let them understand how you are feeling. Give them a reason to see how strong you are. You are a Tigress! Show your stripes and let them hear you roar! You do not need to over power them, this is not a power struggle. This is equality in respect and helping them see how you are special and deserve to be treated with respect. This is the time to show them you have the ability to respect their feelings and wants but if they are only in it for what they deserve, then you can move on. It's not like you can't be just as independent without them.
2. Strength in numbers. More than likely if you have hit Level 2, you are in a place where you are talking to your girlfriends. You are letting them know that something is not okay and you don't know how to fix it. Most men realize that you are a woman who talks to friends and they will make you feel bad about talking to them about your problems. "We don't need anyone involved in our relationship" Is usually the words that are heard. So now you have to talk but you have to lie about talking. This is not okay and you need to be prepared for if/when they find out somehow that you've been talking. You have the RIGHT to release your frustrations out to your close and trustworthy friends. You NEED it. Because if you somehow have reached level 3, and then you really stop talking... they are going to notice and you will want them to call the cops when your head meets his fist. Usually, Level 2 can be rectified if you are strong enough to say "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH" and let them recognize their manipulative ways. You know it's happening and they know it's happening. I hear "Well I already know what he would say" coming out of your mouth. And if that IS you, then guess what.. Welcome to Level 2... Time to get strong and brave.. because you DESERVE more and do not need to settle for being manipulated the rest of your life.
3. Resources! You know your resources, utilize them. There are safe houses. Also, you have family and friends who WANT to help... you just have to reach out. And lastly, if you are being physically abused, go to the cops... get it on paper. Because once you bring it enough times.. A judge is going to be happy to sign you over FULL and LEGAL custody of your children as well as a supported uncontested divorce, AND a restraining order. Your safety is important and you need to recognize that YOU are important. No one deserves to be beat down and abused.. EVER.
I hope this reaches a lot of hearts today, because this topic really sung to mine this morning. Life is full of confusion and ups and downs and what you choose to do with them is up to you but every action has a reaction and you need to be equipped, as the strong tigress you are..
Go out and conquer the world today! You deserve it!
<3 Kristi
This one goes out to women especially but can be utilized by all.
We are all guilty of either using it or it being used against us. Even FRIENDS have been known to manipulate us. There seems to be this misconception that to get what you want, you must manipulate your way to it. But here's what you really should be thinking, if you really have to manipulate others to get what you want, is it really that healthy to be chasing?
Now, let's decide on how to stop this cycle in relationships. (Remember, what you choose to do with this information is your decision)
WHAT MANIPULATION LOOKS LIKE:
"No one will love you as much as me."
"Why can't you just be patient, things are going to be different once I..."
"Stop crying, I hate it when you cry."
ANY kind of blackmail.
"Well, if you hadn't of done this, then I wouldn't have..."
"It's not like I do it all the time..."
"Do you really want to go there?"
"Stop kicking a dead horse."
ANY kind of threats.
"I was just so angry at you."
"Do you honestly think you can make it without me?"
There are so many other ways words have manipulated you but these are some of the most commonly heard (on my end from friends with their partners and even my own previous partners) within relationships.
WHAT DOES MANIPULATION MEAN:
Dictionary.com states:
1. To negotiate, control, or influence (something or someone) cleverly, skilfully, or deviously/
2. To falsify for one's own advantage.
Wiki examines a successful psychological manipulation to look like this:
1. Concealing aggressive intentions and behaviors
2. Knowing the psychological vulnerabilities of the victim to determine what tactics are likely to be most effective
3. Having a sufficient level of ruthlessness to have no qualms about causing harm to the victim if necessary.
LEVEL OF MANIPULATION
Now, stated above it seems like manipulation is so extreme that it just isn't happening in your life.
But there are so many levels of manipulation. You know this deep down because you too have done or said something to get what you want. Kids are GREAT at it! But guess what, at some point in a relationship, manipulation becomes more harmful than it does anything else. Because it brings you to a place of "I am not worthy."
Level 1: The "I want a cookie and I must debate you on why I deserve that cookie" stage.
- You know what I am talking about ladies.. And if you don't have a grin on your face, you should be now. This is the "awe" stage because you respect their willingness to debate with you, to talk their way into actually deserving that cookie. But remember, if they master this stage, and you give in every time.. watch out for Level 2.
Level 2: "I am the only cookie you can find, so suck it up."
Oh yes. This is a destructive and confusing level. You are at a vulnerable stage if you have hit this level because now they are taking your options away (mentally). If you don't break them of this manipulation by either walking away or standing your ground, you are in for a long and emotional haul.
Level 3: "I am the only cookie you deserve."
Wow. There is so much I can say about this level but it fires me up in a very negative way so I will keep it short and simple. This is the stage where your vulnerability has broken and you are no longer looking for something more or feel like you deserve something more. This is the stage where you are being abused (I don't know how you might be receiving that abuse- i.e. verbal or physical, but get out.. This is not healthy and you are WAY stronger than that. Because guess what... You're strong enough to handle this kind of abuse, you are strong enough to walk away from it.
STOPPING THE CYCLE
1. Approach your feelings. Respect them. They are telling you something and you need to listen. If you have met Level 1 and you are feeling a little discouraged... this is a good time to talk with your partner and let them understand how you are feeling. Give them a reason to see how strong you are. You are a Tigress! Show your stripes and let them hear you roar! You do not need to over power them, this is not a power struggle. This is equality in respect and helping them see how you are special and deserve to be treated with respect. This is the time to show them you have the ability to respect their feelings and wants but if they are only in it for what they deserve, then you can move on. It's not like you can't be just as independent without them.
2. Strength in numbers. More than likely if you have hit Level 2, you are in a place where you are talking to your girlfriends. You are letting them know that something is not okay and you don't know how to fix it. Most men realize that you are a woman who talks to friends and they will make you feel bad about talking to them about your problems. "We don't need anyone involved in our relationship" Is usually the words that are heard. So now you have to talk but you have to lie about talking. This is not okay and you need to be prepared for if/when they find out somehow that you've been talking. You have the RIGHT to release your frustrations out to your close and trustworthy friends. You NEED it. Because if you somehow have reached level 3, and then you really stop talking... they are going to notice and you will want them to call the cops when your head meets his fist. Usually, Level 2 can be rectified if you are strong enough to say "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH" and let them recognize their manipulative ways. You know it's happening and they know it's happening. I hear "Well I already know what he would say" coming out of your mouth. And if that IS you, then guess what.. Welcome to Level 2... Time to get strong and brave.. because you DESERVE more and do not need to settle for being manipulated the rest of your life.
3. Resources! You know your resources, utilize them. There are safe houses. Also, you have family and friends who WANT to help... you just have to reach out. And lastly, if you are being physically abused, go to the cops... get it on paper. Because once you bring it enough times.. A judge is going to be happy to sign you over FULL and LEGAL custody of your children as well as a supported uncontested divorce, AND a restraining order. Your safety is important and you need to recognize that YOU are important. No one deserves to be beat down and abused.. EVER.
I hope this reaches a lot of hearts today, because this topic really sung to mine this morning. Life is full of confusion and ups and downs and what you choose to do with them is up to you but every action has a reaction and you need to be equipped, as the strong tigress you are..
Go out and conquer the world today! You deserve it!
<3 Kristi
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
He's No Prince Charming
Let's face it ladies.. Over half of us have looked at our husbands or boyfriends and questioned, "Is there a happily ever after?" This is not saying you are not madly in love with them, this is just a thought you might get when your partner has gotten comfortable. He has stopped trying so hard and you're wondering why?
Did it ever occur to you that you are no princess? Hear me out...
When you got together, BOTH of you made different efforts to impress the other because you had to figure each other out. You, the woman who knows this is a man who is worth getting to know, get dressed specially for him. You put on your perfume, you primp your hair, you have FUN, and you laugh.. nervously but you still laugh.. You give him this impression that you are a confident, FUN, and lovable person. Your laugh makes him smile and he knows he's done well because laughing is his affection. He, the man who has his eyes on you and no one else, goes to great lengths of trimming his hair (no matter where that may be), he buys you presents, wears cologne, brushes his teeth, takes showers regularly, lifts you up to make you feel skinny and special, and above all... makes you the center of his attention.
Then.. somewhere down the road, you both get comfortable and stop working so hard at being the person that intrigued the other. Because in reality, you are still that little girl who is insecure with her body because you have listened to all the media and girls around you on how to make yourself pretty.. His jokes used to make you laugh but now they just bore you or annoy you, your lovable personality starts to dim because you start feeling like a partner, friend or his mother. He is that little boy who got told that sharing his emotions is gay and he needs to suck it up, he was taught that being clean is for impression only and what happens behind closed doors is his business. Mommies usually got tired of always picking up after their stinky sons and by the time he was almost an adult, they just gave up all together on nagging him into a shower.
The funny thing about this situation though.. is that your expectations when you first started are still somewhat there. They may be evolved, or manifested into something more specific, but as you grow you learn yourself and start seeing things about a partner you want that you might be missing.
So, how can you help get your prince charming back instead of sticking your nose in a book to find him?
You start talking. He may not want to hear it at first but guess what, he WILL want to listen after this phrase: "I want to fall in love with you again." His attention will be all yours. It may be yours because he's afraid you ARE NOT in love with him anymore, or he may be wide open and screaming, "FINALLY!"
Don't start this conversation when there are other distractions. And DON'T talk about this before you go to sleep. Because one or both of you may just end up rolling over. You want your man back and you need him the way he once was before you start really strongly questioning "is there a happily ever after?"
Be fair to him ladies, you know he needs things from you and you want things from him to give him his needs. If you want your prince charming, you need to be his princess.
Now, I am not saying.. go out and change yourself to attract him. Because then you may just find another dead end. That's how all these expectations got skewed in the first place. You being someone to attract him and he being someone to attract you. It's time to talk about it and get down to the nitty gritty. He needs to know what you want out of a man and you need to know what he wants out of a woman. Being honest may be the hardest thing in the world but it's the most needed, why?... Because the only way to get what you want is to make it plain and available for your partner to hear you and consider how he can be that man for you. If you are completely honest, and you have expressed yourself totally and truly.. and he doesn't work on a thing... Well, that's something you will have to consider on your own time.
But also remember a few things-
1. You know him pretty well by now to know that you cannot set the bar too high for him to reach. He needs to know that he CAN be that man.
2. You also have to develop the ability to be the best version of yourself. This means, you need to find your confidence and be proud of who you are. YOU are a special person and must always know that. You don't need someone to constantly be there to make you feel special because you would not be here if you did not have a purpose.
3. Compromise!
4. Be a good listener. Don't assume you know his answers, and don't assume that you can finish his sentences when he's trying to comprehend everything you just told him. There can't be this "well thats what I want and if you can't do it then.. I don't know yet but.. I'll be sure to let you know when I figure it out!" attitude. He's a guy.... He has to process your feelings, your thoughts, and be sure that he can understand it the way you are expressing it.
5. Ever heard of Mars and Venus... it's true... your words are telling him one thing and he hears another.. So choose your words wisely and be ready to argue your point. Don't get mad just reiterate it. He needs to hear you and understand you the way that HE thinks.. So explain it in his terms.
6. Be supportive. You know that you gave him this list and just because he doesn't do it to exactly your liking, don't make him feel like he's already failing. Give him a reason to keep trying. Make him feel like his efforts are important and that you love him for trying. He's after all, the man you fell in love with.
This is my advice for the day!
Now go get your Prince Charming!
<3 Kristi
Did it ever occur to you that you are no princess? Hear me out...
When you got together, BOTH of you made different efforts to impress the other because you had to figure each other out. You, the woman who knows this is a man who is worth getting to know, get dressed specially for him. You put on your perfume, you primp your hair, you have FUN, and you laugh.. nervously but you still laugh.. You give him this impression that you are a confident, FUN, and lovable person. Your laugh makes him smile and he knows he's done well because laughing is his affection. He, the man who has his eyes on you and no one else, goes to great lengths of trimming his hair (no matter where that may be), he buys you presents, wears cologne, brushes his teeth, takes showers regularly, lifts you up to make you feel skinny and special, and above all... makes you the center of his attention.
Then.. somewhere down the road, you both get comfortable and stop working so hard at being the person that intrigued the other. Because in reality, you are still that little girl who is insecure with her body because you have listened to all the media and girls around you on how to make yourself pretty.. His jokes used to make you laugh but now they just bore you or annoy you, your lovable personality starts to dim because you start feeling like a partner, friend or his mother. He is that little boy who got told that sharing his emotions is gay and he needs to suck it up, he was taught that being clean is for impression only and what happens behind closed doors is his business. Mommies usually got tired of always picking up after their stinky sons and by the time he was almost an adult, they just gave up all together on nagging him into a shower.
The funny thing about this situation though.. is that your expectations when you first started are still somewhat there. They may be evolved, or manifested into something more specific, but as you grow you learn yourself and start seeing things about a partner you want that you might be missing.
So, how can you help get your prince charming back instead of sticking your nose in a book to find him?
You start talking. He may not want to hear it at first but guess what, he WILL want to listen after this phrase: "I want to fall in love with you again." His attention will be all yours. It may be yours because he's afraid you ARE NOT in love with him anymore, or he may be wide open and screaming, "FINALLY!"
Don't start this conversation when there are other distractions. And DON'T talk about this before you go to sleep. Because one or both of you may just end up rolling over. You want your man back and you need him the way he once was before you start really strongly questioning "is there a happily ever after?"
Be fair to him ladies, you know he needs things from you and you want things from him to give him his needs. If you want your prince charming, you need to be his princess.
Now, I am not saying.. go out and change yourself to attract him. Because then you may just find another dead end. That's how all these expectations got skewed in the first place. You being someone to attract him and he being someone to attract you. It's time to talk about it and get down to the nitty gritty. He needs to know what you want out of a man and you need to know what he wants out of a woman. Being honest may be the hardest thing in the world but it's the most needed, why?... Because the only way to get what you want is to make it plain and available for your partner to hear you and consider how he can be that man for you. If you are completely honest, and you have expressed yourself totally and truly.. and he doesn't work on a thing... Well, that's something you will have to consider on your own time.
But also remember a few things-
1. You know him pretty well by now to know that you cannot set the bar too high for him to reach. He needs to know that he CAN be that man.
2. You also have to develop the ability to be the best version of yourself. This means, you need to find your confidence and be proud of who you are. YOU are a special person and must always know that. You don't need someone to constantly be there to make you feel special because you would not be here if you did not have a purpose.
3. Compromise!
4. Be a good listener. Don't assume you know his answers, and don't assume that you can finish his sentences when he's trying to comprehend everything you just told him. There can't be this "well thats what I want and if you can't do it then.. I don't know yet but.. I'll be sure to let you know when I figure it out!" attitude. He's a guy.... He has to process your feelings, your thoughts, and be sure that he can understand it the way you are expressing it.
5. Ever heard of Mars and Venus... it's true... your words are telling him one thing and he hears another.. So choose your words wisely and be ready to argue your point. Don't get mad just reiterate it. He needs to hear you and understand you the way that HE thinks.. So explain it in his terms.
6. Be supportive. You know that you gave him this list and just because he doesn't do it to exactly your liking, don't make him feel like he's already failing. Give him a reason to keep trying. Make him feel like his efforts are important and that you love him for trying. He's after all, the man you fell in love with.
This is my advice for the day!
Now go get your Prince Charming!
<3 Kristi
My Disclaimer
Hello Ladies!!!
I decided to do this blog because it seems I have a tendency to be the "go to" for relationship advice. Now granted, I too am no peach and never claim to have all the answers... But one thing I AM good at is.. Seeing both sides of the coin. In sharing my thoughts and perspectives, I hope to accomplish two things-
1. To help women grow (no matter what age you are, you will always need to learn something new)
2. To help relationships (I say this openly because somewhere down the line you are going to have to make a decision- to either work on it or to walk away)... Or, you may be a person who needs a reminder why your relationships seem to keep hitting dead ends...
Now, let me get one thing straight, I do not want to hurt anyone's feelings but there may be times where I will be so completely honest that it may hurt. Love can hurt, it's called being vulnerable and we are all guilty of it.
Lastly, I am not in the business to break people up but I am a believer that if you stay in a relationship it better be because you love that person, that you are strong as an individual because of that person and that the relationship is healthy. (What your perspective of love, strength, and healthy is, I can't be a judge or tell you how to run that. I can only give you what I've personally experienced, what I've personally observed in others, and what I believe. So... yes, my thoughts may find a bit of biased moments. You are not required to agree with me. :)
Thanks for following! Topics to come!
<3 Kristi
I decided to do this blog because it seems I have a tendency to be the "go to" for relationship advice. Now granted, I too am no peach and never claim to have all the answers... But one thing I AM good at is.. Seeing both sides of the coin. In sharing my thoughts and perspectives, I hope to accomplish two things-
1. To help women grow (no matter what age you are, you will always need to learn something new)
2. To help relationships (I say this openly because somewhere down the line you are going to have to make a decision- to either work on it or to walk away)... Or, you may be a person who needs a reminder why your relationships seem to keep hitting dead ends...
Now, let me get one thing straight, I do not want to hurt anyone's feelings but there may be times where I will be so completely honest that it may hurt. Love can hurt, it's called being vulnerable and we are all guilty of it.
Lastly, I am not in the business to break people up but I am a believer that if you stay in a relationship it better be because you love that person, that you are strong as an individual because of that person and that the relationship is healthy. (What your perspective of love, strength, and healthy is, I can't be a judge or tell you how to run that. I can only give you what I've personally experienced, what I've personally observed in others, and what I believe. So... yes, my thoughts may find a bit of biased moments. You are not required to agree with me. :)
Thanks for following! Topics to come!
<3 Kristi
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